Originally posted 10/3/19
I knew vulnerability was necessary. I “knew” it. But it only now just occurred to me...
I wasn’t actually being truly vulnerable. I was being vulnerable enough. I was opening up just enough, showing more of myself than I normally would. And I thought I WAS being vulnerable. And I suppose I was. But the truth is, I wasn’t being truly authentic..I was allowing myself to be open, but only to the point where I was comfortable; never leaving my comfort zone.
I realize now, being vulnerable means being cracked open. It means truly showing your humanity, your humanness. If you are going to say you’re open to being vulnerable (as I was), that means truly being seen.
I just cried because I realize now how closed off I have been, even though I wanted to be open. My intention truly has been to allow myself to be seen. I’ve just realized that I haven't been fully honest with myself about how much I was opening up. There are dark, scary places inside of me that I am afraid to see. I am afraid that not only will I be rejected by others, but I won’t even accept MYSELF. What if I am a disappointment to ME?
As I re-read this, fresh tears are coming. I’ve just had an epiphany. When I think I’ve reached “it” (the point of authenticity), it is time to go deeper. When I think I am “there”, that is only the beginning, the surface. The depths go so much further than I thought!
It hurts right now. There is an aching in my chest at this realization; but I am so fucking grateful for it. Now, I can realign with my intentions. I can recognize that there is so much deeper to go, and I can push myself out of my comfort zone every single day.
I truly want to touch others and help them heal, and through doing this work myself, I am one step closer.