Vulnerability...My Sticky Truth

Uncategorized Dec 05, 2019

Originally posted 10/3/19

 

I knew vulnerability was necessary.  I “knew” it.  But it only now just occurred to me...

I wasn’t actually being truly vulnerable.  I was being vulnerable enough.  I was opening up just enough, showing more of myself than I normally would.  And I thought I WAS being vulnerable.  And I suppose I was.  But the truth is, I wasn’t being truly authentic..I was allowing myself to be open, but only to the point where I was comfortable; never leaving my comfort zone.

I realize now, being vulnerable means being cracked open.  It means truly showing your humanity, your humanness. If you are going to say you’re open to being vulnerable (as I was), that means truly being seen.

I just cried because I realize now how closed off I have been, even though I wanted to be open.  My intention truly has been to allow myself to be seen.  I’ve just realized that I haven't been fully honest with myself about how much I was opening up.  There are dark, scary places inside of me that I am afraid to see.  I am afraid that not only will I be rejected by others, but I won’t even accept MYSELF.  What if I am a disappointment to ME?

As I re-read this, fresh tears are coming.  I’ve just had an epiphany.  When I think I’ve reached “it” (the point of authenticity), it is time to go deeper.  When I think I am “there”, that is only the beginning, the surface.  The depths go so much further than I thought! 

It hurts right now.  There is an aching in my chest at this realization; but I am so fucking grateful for it. Now, I can realign with my intentions.  I can recognize that there is so much deeper to go, and I can push myself out of my comfort zone every single day.  

I truly want to touch others and help them heal, and through doing this work myself, I am one step closer.

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